Parenting

Parenting.

Raising a child is one of life’s most challenging and important tasks. Loving someone more than you love yourself can be a life altering experience.

Parenthood can be very challenging and exhausting, but it is also one of the most rewarding and fulfilling roles. Parental anxiety is one of the challenges all the parents face at one or the other point in their lives. Worrying about child’s health, well being, social development, and learning development can trigger a lot of anxiety. From the moment the child is born, there are set standards to which it is held, and any shortcoming can make us anxious. Is the birth weight normal? Did he roll over? Why isn’t he walking on his first birthday? Shouldn’t he be talking fluently by now?

 IS MY CHILD NORMAL??

As a mother of 2 kids I have had my share of worries. Some of them were genuine and some a result of unrealistic expectations. But over the years, as parent and as a physician, I realized that most of my worries were unfounded.  I also realized that any problem related to children should be looked at with a broader perspective. Disregarding the context and not considering the child and family as one unit can lead us astray.  Children grow in phases, both physically and mentally, so changes in their preferences shouldn’t surprise us. Children have the unenviable task of trying to fit into the society and each child depending on its ability and temperament keeps adapting, trying to find its comfort zone. Any attempt to take over this process of adaptation by adults in the name of “we know what is best’ can lead to maladaptive behavior. This not only causes problems to the child, it also leads to parental anxiety. The need to be a perfect parent can drive us nuts. The constant guilt that we might not be doing our parental duty properly fuels the urge to force the child to do what we think is good for him. Societal obsession with child prodigies and a set standard for success,has made us blind to the uniqueness inherent in each child. As parents all we can do is provide a safe, loving and nurturing environment and allow the child to grow to his full potential.

Believe me, the problems are fleeting and so are the magical moments of seeing your kids grow. It will be gone in the blink of an eye. One day you will be worrying about your high energy, naughty and disruptive kid and in a flash he will turn into a quite, mature kid who never gets into trouble. You will end up wanting to experience a little more of his antics, few more moments of fun and wondering why did you worry so much.

Some developmental problems will require supportive measures, some may require child centered therapies and very few of them might need medical intervention. Most of the developmental problems of childhood respond well to Homeopathic medicines and supportive therapies. Children feel comfortable in Homeopathic clinics where there are no injections and the medicines taste good. Homeopaths ask a great deal of questions and children actually feel very important and answer these questions enthusiastically. Children start treating Homeopaths as their confidants and will develop a special bond with them. Since Homeopathy doesn’t believe in specializations and considers the person as a whole, kids meet the same doctor for all their problem be it ear pain or bedwetting. Homeopath will know all about the child’s problems and even in adulthood if the person has any health issues, the Homeopath will be better equipped to manage it. In my own practice, the snotty nosed kids who came as toddlers for the treatment of viral fever have grown up into gangly teenagers and consult me for acne. It is gratifying to be a part of one’s childhood, witness the struggles, root for their success and know that Homeopathy played a role in keeping the kid healthy.

My experience as a mother and as a Homeopath has made me less panicky, patient and practical. I try to share things which I have experienced and methods which have worked for me. There are times when my experience doesn’t align with what is claimed in the textbook or vouched by experts. In that case I prefer to trust my experience. I will be sharing real life experiences of childhood problems, and how it got resolved. In hindsight, some of them don’t even qualify as problems, but at the time of occurrence, had triggered panic. lived experience has immense value and sharing them with others is the best gift that can be given. I hope that these experiences will be informative, educative and reassuring.

Happy Parenting!

On the auspicious occasion of Janmashtami, I happened to visit my neighbor. Tiny footprints were drawn, from the door leading towards their house, a symbolism for Krishna’s journey into their homes. My mind instantly went back to the days when my kid was a toddler. The floor of my house would be filled with tiny muddy footprints, alerting any visitor to the presence of an archetypal Denise the menace. His footprints would be there on the floor, on the bed sheet, on the kitchen platform, and in my clinic, a veritable proof of his adventures. Drawing those tiny footprints was a celebration of having the lord Krishna at home, as our child. What else can be a more endearing proof of the presence of a child in the house?

   As I partook in the celebration, I could not help but admire the power of the legendary story of baby Krishna and its relevance to our lives. Yashoda personifies all the joys, tumults and pain we go through as parents. She had to witness her dear son battle one demon after another, unable to do anything more than worry and pray. She had to listen to numerous complaints against her son, and none of her parenting skills helped control Krishna. At the tender age of 11 she had to let him go to the hostile territory of Mathura never to see him again. She must have wondered if all those 11 beautiful years were a dream…

 Krishna represents the kid who comes into our world with a distinct and unique personality, possessing a highly refined and individual soul.  A kid, whom the parents consider as a blank slate, but in reality, has come with his own special blue print.

The following write-ups will be about the eternal clash of parental anxiety and the kid with a blue print. I plan on calling the parents Yashoda, Gopal, and the kid Krishna, as a tribute to the marvelous creation of Maharshi Veda Vyasa, which resonates with us even to this day. 

Here goes the first one….

The child who couldn’t recognize colours…

It was a chilly December afternoon. Yashoda was waiting outside her 2 yr 8 month old son’s preschool to pick him up. The end of the day prayer was done and screams of joy erupted and the kids started coming one by one. As always her son Krishna came charging with a war cry and hugged her tight. They were about to leave when the teacher wanted to have a word with Yashoda.

“ Krishna is unable to recognize colors” said the teacher in a voice which held concern.

“ I don’t get you. He was doing fine till now. Wasn’t he?”said Yashoda

“Yes. He plays well with Montessori materials, and for a while he seemed to recognize colors but now he always gets it wrong.”

Yashoda was a little worried. The movie Taarein zameen par had just been released and everybody knew about learning issues in children. She looked at her son and dismissed the idea.

But the thought kept bugging her.  She told her husband Mr. Gopal about this issue. Both of them tried to casually talk about colors  to see if Krishna could recognize the names of colors. Nope. He would tell the names, but all the wrong ones.  Over the next 15 days, more issues propped up. He could not recognize animals, he could not recognize vegetables….he doesn’t look at the teacher when called…

By January Krishna refused to go to school and Yashoda was clueless and worried.

Yashoda had started working part time just then. The school teacher felt that Krishna was perhaps reacting to this change. But there was no change in the routine since Yashoda worked only from 10-1 pm. She decided to consult a child Psychologist.

The child psychologist told her that her son was too young to be able to take an assessment for learning difficulties. So, watchful waiting would be better.

In February, they decided to admit him to a school which had Preschool to Std. 10. They hoped that changing the school might help.  They got a call in February. To their great relief, Krishna was not asked to recognize any colors, animals or vegetables. The last 2 months of Montessori was a blur due to the excitement of joining the new school as well as trepidation about what is to come.

In June, Krishna happily started going to the new school. Yashoda was very anxious. The butterflies in her tummy wouldn’t stop. She expected to get a call from the school anytime. She was bracing herself for the news that her child had learning issues.

At the end of the month PTM was held and nothing earth shattering was reported. Yashoda and Gopal were told that their son was doing well, coloring well, recognizes all the colors, vegetables, and animals. They couldn’t believe it.

At home that evening Yashoda had a conversation with her son which she would never forget all her life.

“ do you recognize all the colors?”

“YEAH..”

“Do you also recognize vegetables and animals?”

“YEAH..”

“Since when?”

“ I ALWAYS KNEW…”

“Why didn’t you answer in the old school?”

“I DID…”

“ But ,They were wrong answers”

“I KNOW…”

“ what do you mean??”

“Ma’am would keep asking the same questions everyday…so I gave different answers…she would look shocked..( he makes a funny shocked face)….it was fun..”

“You, were giving the same wrong answers to me as well…!”

“ You, had also started asking me the same things daily at home.”

“ But why couldn’t you…”

She had lost him. He went away on his mini scooter, making motor sounds, not interested in answering anymore.

 Krishna had a valid point. Who likes to answer the same set of questions daily? The kid had found a way to make this chore interesting. However, this conversation had left Yashoda pleasantly surprised and intrigued. Did she conjure this conversation? Can a 3 year old actually say this? Yes, this was exactly what he had said. He was super bored and had tried to have fun.  It was not that he couldn’t recognize colors..he wouldn’t .It was simple. Yet, everybody around him had interpreted the problem in their own way. And all of them were wrong. She realized that, none of the adults could even think of this possibility. Even the experts couldn’t. It was so easy for them to think of the worst. She made a note never to conclude hastily. If she had asked him, would he have told the same thing back then? With children you never know. But she decided that, from here on, she would try talking to him before jumping to any conclusion.

 At one hand she was relieved that her son did not have any problems, at the same time she knew that this kid would be a handful.